


You Lost Me at Hello

by OlyaNeverWrites, wewillalwaysenduphere



Series: Alex Rider Musical Fics [2]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Crack, Gen, Scorpia - Freeform, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29000568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlyaNeverWrites/pseuds/OlyaNeverWrites, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wewillalwaysenduphere/pseuds/wewillalwaysenduphere
Summary: Imagine a beautiful, sunny day at the Rider home - and then the doorbell rings.It's MI6. And the CIA. And ASIS. And SCORPIA! All battling for Alex's allegiance - in song.
Relationships: Alan Blunt/Doorbells, Alex Rider/Musical Theater
Series: Alex Rider Musical Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2173812
Comments: 14
Kudos: 21





	You Lost Me at Hello

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [_Hello_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKkLV1zE8M0), the brilliant opening song from the musical _The Book of Mormon_.

[DING-DONG]

_ALEX RIDER, a fourteen-year-old schoolboy, warily opens his front door to see a cheerful, grinning ALAN BLUNT standing on the doorstep._

[BLUNT]  
Hello!  
My name is Alan Blunt  
And I would like to tell you  
Sorry but your uncle died

_ALEX RIDER, having already heard this news from the police several days prior, closes the door against the unwanted visitor. The bell rings a moment later and he reluctantly opens the door again, where BLUNT still stands, now accompanied by TULIP JONES, also smiling._

[JONES]  
Hello!  
My name is Mrs. Jones  
I worked with Ian at the bank  
For a very long time

[BLUNT]  
In fact,  
I have a job for you  
You simply won't believe how much  
Work Ian left behind

_A young man dressed in a muddy SAS uniform, BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX (we cannot be sure which) appears onstage. He, too, is smiling, though he looks more confused than JONES or BLUNT._

[BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX]  
Hello!  
My name is Wolf or Fox (depends!)  
Why’s a kid here? Oh fuck he  
just kicked me out a plane!

[BYRNE]  
Hello! My name is Joseph Byrne

_ALEX, who has been standing wide-eyed and frozen since JONES appeared at the door, starts to slowly back away._

[CRAWLEY]  
Hello!

[BYRNE]  
Did you know that you can “work” here in the USA?

[JONES]  
You can! We’re renting you out now!

[SNAKE]  
Hello!

[JONES]  
We’ll deport Jack, please believe me!  
No, you still aren’t getting paid

[BYRNE]  
Hello!

_ETHAN BROOKE wears silver sunglasses and is unceasingly chipper even as he attempts to pry away a blood-covered KOALA whose teeth are sunk into his arm._

[BROOKE]  
Hello! My name is Ethan Brooke  
Can you take out Snakehead  
and maybe those damn emus?

_BROOKE resumes trying to shake the koala off of his arm._

[EAGLE]  
Hello!

[BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX]  
Hello?!?

[CRAWLEY]  
Hello!

[BROOKE]  
You got kidnapped huh?  
Oh shit you’re at the organ farm  
That’s run by Winston Yu

_WINSTON YU sashays onto stage in a shiny vest, top hat, and cane._

[BLUNT]  
Hello!

[CRAWLEY]  
Hi!

[BLUNT]  
My name is-

_A stage light illuminates an older east Asian man wearing a sequined vest that is the twin of WINSTON YU'S and carrying a rhinestone-encrusted cane and set of pliers. It is DR. THREE._

[BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX]  
Dr. Three!

_DR. THREE twirls his cane and BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX ducks just in time to avoid being hit._

[THREE]  
I love torturing folks

[CRAWLEY]  
Hello!

[BYRNE]  
It's just a week-long job

[BROOKE]  
G'day!

[SMITHERS]  
Cheerio!

[YASSEN]  
Привет!

_CRAWLEY dances by, now wearing a fake mustache and glasses._

[CRAWLEY]  
Me llamo Juan Crawley!

[YASSEN]  
You’re Hunter’s kid?

_ALEX gives YASSEN a hasty thumbs-up as he dodges DR. THREE'S flailing cane and tries to hide behind BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX._

[BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX]  
What are you doing in Thailand  
Alex, are you a spy?!?

[BROOKE]  
Sound good?

[ALL]  
You’re screwed for life!

[BEN DANIELS/WOLF/FOX]  
Oh, Jesus Christ!

[ALL]  
It’s super fun!

[TAMARA KNIGHT]  
Hello!

[CRAWLEY]  
Ding dong!

[ALL]  
You’ve let us in  
That’s it you will  
Never be done!

[BROOKE & *BLUNT*]  
No thanks?  
*You sure?*  
Oh, well  
*That's fine*  
Goodbye!  
*Have fun in Hell*

[BYRNE/JONES ]  
Hey now! (It’s true)

[ALL]  
You simply won't believe how much  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life!

[LOUD BUZZER]

_SCORPIA, represented by JULIA ROTHMAN wearing an enormous, cheap-looking scorpion costume that looks like something she bought at Party City and then dumped into vat of glitter._

[SCORPIA, spoken]  
Hello! Would you like to join a terrorist organization? We have a free gun that we’ll let you shoot!

[VOICE, spoken]  
No, no, SCORPIA! That's not how we do it! You're making things up again. He gets no weapon and no training. What if he realizes we’re abusing him?!? Agents, show them!

[ALL except SCORPIA]  
Hello!

[SCORPIA]  
Hello!

[ALL except SCORPIA]  
My name is-

[SCORPIA]  
SCORPIA!

[ALL except SCORPIA]  
And we would like you to  
sign this  
Airtight NDA!

[BLUNT]  
Hello!

[JONES]  
Hello!

[BYRNE/BROOKE]  
Ding dong!

_YU and THREE perform a merry tap dance, matching canes a-twirl._

[YU/THREE]  
Heigh ho!

_THREE trips BROOKE with his cane and the VICIOUS KOALA finally lets go as BROOKE faceplants into the front lawn._

[BYRNE]  
Just take this job!

[JONES]  
You’re free!

[MI6]  
We tortured you?

[CIA]  
Sorry!

[ALL]  
You see?  
You simply won't believe how much  
We will destroy your life! (Hello)  
We will destroy your life! (Hello)  
Before we burn in-

_YASSEN is pushing through the crowd of people at Alex's door and raises his arms dramatically like Patti LuPone during a rendition of Don't Cry for Me Argentina._

[YASSEN]  
He-hello!

[ALL]  
You might refuse today  
But if you tell us no you'll see  
That there's another way  
Eternity sans friends and family  
We can fully guarantee you that  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life  
We will destroy your life  
Airtight NDA (Signature here)  
Hello!


End file.
